Couples in marital crisis often become so caught up in their power struggle that they forget to ask themselves, how is this conflict affecting our children? Often children become so accustomed to domestic problems and violence that they psychologically contain the trauma only showing signs of being disturbed long after the crisis is over. These children suffer the loss of innocence, they are robbed of that carefree time of, make believe, a time of joy, and laughter all children have the right to experience. They are flung head first into an adult world of conflict that they didn’t create nor are they emotionally equipped to handle. These children suffer from a lost childhood, and the people professing to love them are the very ones robbing them of what should be the most wondrous time of their lives. Childhood!
I have counselled men and women in partnerships that were in deep crisis only to be told they are staying in the marriage for the children. Meanwhile their home is a Battlefield with the poor children as the innocent casualties of a hopeless situation. It is in these cases that separating the children from the conflict would be a far better option than keeping them captives of an adult power struggle. Sadly, it is often the case that a couple separating is best for their children.
Many couples in the face of seeing their dream of Happy Family fall apart forget about the family they already have…
Many couples in the face of seeing their dream of Happy Family fall apart forget about the family they already have, often couples wanting to save their partnership complicate an already difficult situation by having more children. This attempt to fix an already deteriorating situation puts more strain on a family that is already struggling under too much conflict. While this incompatible couple once again make an attempt at Happy Family their other children stand side lined waiting for the temporary excitement of a new baby to fade, and the parental conflict to once again resume. When conflict between the couple once again reaches fevered agitation there is usually little or no nurturing going to their children. The two adults become caught up in the conflict between themselves, and the children are then frequently left to nurture one another; this is a very poor substitute for good parenting.
Couples submerged in crisis too often look to their own devices to fix a partnership that needs professional help. Repeatedly I have seen couples wait until they no longer have the willingness to work on the marriage at any cost they want out. The situation has psychologically depleted them until they have no more to give. This is where couples split and families fall apart. I will ask a client have you had couples counselling, and so often I get a resounding No. The lack of professional intervention is usually death to a partnership in trouble. Intervention is a necessary step to healing a wounded partnership without it there is little or no hope of recovery. There are too many divorces because one or both parties won’t accept professional counselling.
What about the children?
So my question now is what about the children? They are really the most important. When you partner and are fortunate enough to have children it is absolutely essential that their health and psychological well being comes first. Children may be little people but what parents mustn’t forget is that one day they grow into adults. I have had clients come to me asking assistance because of a problem with a grown child. These unhappy people often express deep despair over a relationship having gone terribly wrong. My first question is always how was your child’s childhood? This is when reports of conflict in the home during childhood come to light, stories of domestic violence and abuse, and an unresolved ongoing history of dysfunction and anger in the family with one or both parents. These people were unhappy children and have grown into unhappy adults. No one can stay emotionally healthy let alone develop into a healthy adult under constant duress, and yet legions of children grow up under constant stress due to domestic conflict, abuse and violence. The statistics are shocking, and that is only the reported cases. What about the silent cry the silent scream that no one hears?
If we want a better world it is important we protect our children from abuse and domestic violence so they can grow to be happy mature souls and add value to our world. Remember the healthiest partnership is challenged when you bring children into the equation. So before you make a decision of such colossal consequence please think about the person you bring into this world and be prepared to give them the absolute best of yourself.
Love, humility and the willingness to seek help is the key to transforming any dysfunctional domestic situation. Attracting the right partner always has to do with who is coming into the relationship, and I am not speaking about your partner I am speaking about you. What you have denied in yourself will always reflect itself back to you through your partner, and through your relationship with your children. The ability to receive love has so much to do with you and how you feel about yourself. Being able to love your children has everything to do with your capacity to love and nurture yourself. If you were the victim of domestic violence as a child or abused I urge you to seek help. Choosing to embrace the deepest part of you and heal has a way of bringing about wondrous life change.
The miraculous power of a love attraction between two people is the most creative power on our planet. It is mankind’s gift from the Creator the holy essence that ensures our survival.
The Wonders of life really do belong to the children they are the best of us, and they deserve our protection.
God bless you and enjoy your day!
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