A Lasting Relationship

Building a lasting relationship with the opposite sex in today’s fast paced society is never easy. We marry and divorce at an alarming rate and those who do stay married are often miserable with one another feeling trapped in a loveless incompatible marriage. Many couples refuse to legally marry feeling they will escape the sting of separation only to discover that down the line when confronted with the reality of separation the end is not any easier especially when there are children involved. True commitment is often lacking between two people, and with that there is nothing to keep families together in the event of crisis. Once again what should be the back bone of any society the Family is put at risk, and becomes a casualty of an epidemic social sickness; divorce. The ongoing war between the sexes continues with what would appear to be no end in sight.

What is the remedy for this chronic misunderstanding between couples? Is the failure of the marriage really always the other person’s fault? Marriage comes with a tremendous amount of sacrifice on the part of two people that have promised to evolve and grown together. The big question here is who are you bringing into the marriage with you? And I am not speaking about your partner I am speaking about you. Are you expecting your partner to solve problems for you that you have not undertaken to solve for yourself? What I am asking you is how do you feel about you? We more often than not marry people because we believe on some fundamental psychologically level that this person is going to give us the happiness we have never had. They will be our refuge and in the case of women a protector, and when that doesn’t happen then the power struggle begins with criticism, fighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and all of a sudden your princess or your prince has turned on you why? Because this very person your subconscious believed was the answer to all your questions, and the gate way to your happiness has failed you miserably.

Another person can certainly add to your happiness, but if you put all your hopes wishes and dreams on another person and expect them to fulfil your heart’s desire you are setting yourself up for a terrible fall.  If you have not managed to make yourself happy looking to anyone else for happiness is a sure fire recipe for a disaster in any partnership. I have seen people divorce and remarry time and again looking for that one person who was going to make it all better heal them, and give them the happiness they always wanted, but in truth if you can’t give yourself happiness you will never have it no matter who you marry.

Couples enter into the marriage state psychologically ill-equipped to deal with one another. They have unrealistic expectations of their partner, and what they are capable of bringing into the marriage both emotionally and financially. I find women to have the biggest problem with this. We have this silly notion if we love him enough he will change, and be everything we ever wanted. Well guess what girls it isn’t going to happen. People only change if they want to and no amount of coercion from you will make your man change. Women are chronically unrealistic about who they are marrying, and then when he doesn’t respond to her sacrifice he doesn’t change that part of her ego that was convinced he was malleable becomes livid, vengeful and extremely sad.

Men on the other hand also become incensed when their little sex kitten, princess, honey bunch has her first baby and everything changes. When he no longer comes first, and what he wants goes on the back burner men more often than not become resentful and angry. A man will often ignore what his wife needs in a case like this simply because they are feeling neglected and aren’t getting what they need.  Children are important yes ladies, and they do take priority in those first few months of their little lives, but to side line and neglect the person who actually gave you the child is a sure way to create problems in your marriage. I have counselled so many women whose intimacy with their husband broke down with the onset of having children. This is often a natural occurrence for a time, but to allow this break down in physical communication to carry on is extremely bad for the marriage. Babies bring enormous change, and what many women fail to realise is that their husband is also in the throngs of a big change with a new baby, and many men simply don’t know how to cope with it. This is where understanding and communication between new parents is so important.

Marriage is a give and take situation, and when this scenario goes too far out of balance for too long this is when partners become resentful. Men and woman think so differently and have different physical needs that unless there is a real effort made by both partners to demystify the different way they communication and what their needs are I’m afraid most modern couples will find it hard to stay happy with one another.

Keeping the psychology of your marriage healthy is absolutely paramount if you want to walk a long road with your partner. By validating our differences men and woman have a chance to sustain their love by cultivating respect through communication and understanding. When couples work on their partnership their love changes and evolves. Working on a relationship is essential nothing lasts without care and attention. Why we expect our relationships to last without nurturing them I will never know. We all want the forever kind of love that happily ever after. So let’s not just work hard at getting it. Let’s work a lot harder at keeping it.